Tuesday, December 4, 2007
Did I Do the Right Thing?
I feel so horrible. I would do anything to be able to go back and change things. I love my pastor so much. He has been incredibly helpful and supportive of me. I can’t bear the thought of what is going to happen to him. I feel like this is all my fault. Like I should have been able to stop it. I didn’t want to go to the Bishop, but I just felt like I didn’t know what else to do. The secrecy was making me crazy. It has been two years. TWO YEARS! That is such a long time to hold on to something so huge. All I could think about was his family. Oh, God, what will they do when they found out. I’m sure they will all be so hurt. And what about the people of the congregation? Will they ever forgive me? I have been a member of this church for so many years, this church is like my family. I would die if they out-casted me. I’m so afraid of what will happen, I just needed it to stop.
Pastor Smithson is so great. I guess I’m not sure what happened. I was going through a really terrible time. My first year out of college, my depression had really taken me over. I met with him a few times a week for about six months. He really helped me out of a dark time in my life. I was so grateful to him. I love him ………… I do. Not like that, I mean. I care so deeply for him, but I never intended for it to get sexual. But I just felt so grateful to him. I wanted to be there for him the way he was there for me. I guess I thought it would only be one time. But then he seemed like he really wanted to see me again. One time turned into two times, then four times…..before I could wrap my mind around what was happening it had already been six months and I felt so afraid. So afraid, I didn’t know what to do, so I guess I did nothing. Then I felt guilty and ashamed and so awful about his family. I love his wife. She’s a friend of mine. Well….I suppose she used to be.
I wish I knew what was going to happen. I’m so concerned for pastor and his family. Now, I know, after talking to the Bishop, he’s really going to be in trouble. I hope he can still be a pastor somewhere. I hope his marriage isn’t over. I hope his kids don’t hate him. I’m afraid they are going to kick me out of the church. Even if not literally, socially, like I just won’t be accepted there anyone. I wonder how I will ever make it through all of this. I feel worse than I did when this all started. I just wish I could go back and make different decisions.
Pastor Smithson is so great. I guess I’m not sure what happened. I was going through a really terrible time. My first year out of college, my depression had really taken me over. I met with him a few times a week for about six months. He really helped me out of a dark time in my life. I was so grateful to him. I love him ………… I do. Not like that, I mean. I care so deeply for him, but I never intended for it to get sexual. But I just felt so grateful to him. I wanted to be there for him the way he was there for me. I guess I thought it would only be one time. But then he seemed like he really wanted to see me again. One time turned into two times, then four times…..before I could wrap my mind around what was happening it had already been six months and I felt so afraid. So afraid, I didn’t know what to do, so I guess I did nothing. Then I felt guilty and ashamed and so awful about his family. I love his wife. She’s a friend of mine. Well….I suppose she used to be.
I wish I knew what was going to happen. I’m so concerned for pastor and his family. Now, I know, after talking to the Bishop, he’s really going to be in trouble. I hope he can still be a pastor somewhere. I hope his marriage isn’t over. I hope his kids don’t hate him. I’m afraid they are going to kick me out of the church. Even if not literally, socially, like I just won’t be accepted there anyone. I wonder how I will ever make it through all of this. I feel worse than I did when this all started. I just wish I could go back and make different decisions.
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